There are a few songs that I never get tired of. That when I hear on my ipod, I immediately reach for that “repeat one” button so I can listen to it over and over again. Sometimes that will be the only song I listen to all day. I think it’s possibly just one of those things where God intervenes with my suffle list and puts the song He knows I need to hear on the list. And then, because the things I constantly have trouble with are always a central theme in these songs, I keep listening to it. Maybe as a little reminder, maybe for some other reason, who knows.

I ran across one of those songs about 15 minutes ago. Right now it’s on the 3rd or 4th time through and I have no plans on changing it anytime soon. This song is “God of Justice” by Tim Hughes. It was sung at least once a week at camp. It always served as a great reminder that we are here to serve others (at camp, namely the teens). I need that reminder often. It also addresses another problem of mine…

“Stepping forward keep us from just singing”

So many times, I get caught up in the song, I forget what it’s about. I’m not praying through song, I’m singing. I’m not taking to heart what the words truly mean. And often times, when my prayer life becomes a little dry, I tell myself: “well I listen to mostly Christian songs, those are prayers, my prayer life is fine.” When in reality that’s not true. It’s when my prayer life is dry that I get caught up in the songs. It’s one problem of mine I desperately need to fix.
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out Lord

I was just reminded of a cartoon from the ever popular nakedpastor.com

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As I was driving home last night, the song “More Than You’ll Ever Know” by Watermark came on. Right after came the song “Sheltering Tree” by Newsong. These songs got me thinking, I don’t always fully appreciate my friends.

Take my friends here in Kansas City for example. I spend time with them, we share laughs and tears and time. But how often do I stop and say “hey thanks for being my friend” or for any other words of affirmation? In all honesty, not often. Almost not at all really.

Then I began to think of all my friends I’m not lucky enough to see on a regular basis. Of all the people that aren’t in the Kansas City area, I’m only in constant contact with one friend. And really, not now because my conversations with him was held through facebook, and since I gave that up for lent, well yeah. Facebook and AIM are supposed to be my way of keeping in touch with those people, but I hardly ever send random greetings to people. I respond to people who randomly write on my wall, but I don’t often go to other people’s profiles and randomly write on their walls.

I realized last night, that when I’m in Kansas City, I temporarily forget about my friends in other places. When I’m in St. Charles, I temporarily forget about my friends in Kansas City or elsewhere. Really, things shouldn’t be like that. I should love and care about all my friends equally. My love and care should not be contingent on if I see them or not.

“We all need sheltering trees, friends in our lives who’ll get down on their knees and lift us up before the King of Kings.” To all my sheltering trees, I’m sorry for the times I temporarily forgot about you. But “something brought you to mind today. I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh. And yet I feel like it’s ok to cry with you. Something about just being with you, when I leave I feel like I’ve been near God, and that’s they way it ought to be.” And I’m here to say thank you for you! Thank you for all those times when you showed me love, when you’ve been that shoulder I needed to cry on, when you laughed with me, when you helped me de-stress, when you prayed for me, when you prayed with me, when you’ve shared times with me, thank you. “You’ve blessed my life, more than you’ll ever know.”

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This past year I found out my former roommate lied to me about a boyfriend that never existed, death threats she was sending to herself, terminal brain cancer that also never existed, and who knows what else. When I tried to meet with her to try and make it all better, start again, forgive her to her face, she said no, she didn’t want to see me because she didn’t think she could explain why she acted the way she did.

What I was to do with the situation now was a tough decision for me to come to. I had been hurt by this girl, not only through these lies that, at the time, made me pour out a lot of emotion and sympathy, but also through the pain she put me through when she made the other girls on my floor hate me and other such things. I had advice coming from everyone I talked to. Punch her in the face, tell her you can’t be friends, try to help her, ignore her, get as far away from her as you can, and many other suggestions. While I felt I had been hurt by this person enough and I didn’t want anything to do with her, I also felt the need to reach out to her. She was obviously in pain of some sort on her own that she would make up these lies and do things to turn people against each other. I kept hearing “Jesus wouldn’t give up on her and neither should you.” I decided that I couldn’t be her friend anymore and told her so; I haven’t heard a thing from her since. While I felt it was the right decision for my emotional and spiritual sanity, I also felt guilty about giving up on her. This song came on yesterday that brought back the memories of the whole situation.

As you push it up through the soil,
I will shake your filthy hand.
You may be dead to me but that don’t mean we can’t be friends.
Now it’s time to get over this,
Long as it’s clear you understand,
That I will never trust a single thing you say again.
Because the judge of you is someone I could never be,
Is why you should thank the Lord that it is Him, and it’s not me.
Don’t give up, it’s not the end,
There’s hope for every fallen man,
To pick themselves up when they think they can,
Because with every passing second comes a second chance.

You stole so much from me and there is nothing left to take,
Save a hard learned lesson on how to not make the same mistake.
And you may be delirious but that is something that will fade,
After you confess that this mess is all something that you made.

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Light the Fire – Fusebox

I stand to praise You
But I fall on my knees
My spirit is hungry
But my flesh is so weak

Light the fire (light the fire)
In my soul (in my weary soul)
Fan the flame (fan the flame)
Make me whole (make my spirit whole)
Lord, You know (Lord, You know)
Where I’ve been (where I’ve been)
So light the fire In my heart again

I feel Your arms around me
As the power of Your healing begins
You breathe new life right through me
Like a mighty rushing wind

Light the fire (light the fire)
In my soul (in my weary soul)
Fan the flame (fan the flame)
Make me whole (make my spirit whole)
Lord, You know (Lord, You know)
Where I’ve been (where I’ve been)
So light the fire In my heart again

I was listening to this song while driving home today and was reminded of an analogy I made a while back. We all have a fire in our hearts, and it’s up to us to keep it going to keep those around us spiritually warm. My fire is almost out. I’m getting enough newspaper (fellowship) and wood (communion from a mass that you paid attention to). But I have very few candles wrapped in wax paper (prayer). And no energy to keep the fire going. I became apathetic in my faith life. I knew I had to change, but lacked the energy to do so. This song today was kinda like a wake-up call. God was reminding me: hey you really do want this huge fire in your heart, you really do want to be close to me, you really do want that amazing prayer life back again, so stop being so lazy and apathetic and get right back on that horse. I know some things have happened and it makes it hard, but try. So here I am, listening to light the fire again for about the 20th time in a row, really wanting for that fire to start, really wanting God to breathe new life within me and let the healing begin, really wanting that super great relationship back, and really wanting to get off this roller coaster of faith life that I’m currently on.

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So during my boredom this evening, I decided to go read from 97secondswithgod.com. It’s a blog I came across earlier this year, and I’m glad I did. It enables to me think often of my life with God. There are a TON of entries posted before I came across it though and taking the time to go through them is at times difficult. But, as I said earlier, in my boredom this evening, I happened to click on the tab and the title “go before you know” stuck out to me for some reason. It was an awesome read, so I’ll post it here for you and then give a little of my thoughts if I feel up to it…

In Genesis 45, Joseph asked his long lost father to come to move to Egypt. This is no easy feat given the size of Jacob’s family. Plus he owned a ton of livestock and moving goats by foot has to be an unpleasant experience. In chapter 46: 1-4 it says:

“So Israel (Jacob) set out with all that was his and when he reached Beersheba, he offered sacrifices to the God of his father Isaac.

And God spoke to Israel in a vision at night and said, “Jacob! Jacob!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

“I am God, the God of your father,” he said. “Do not be afraid to go down to Egypt, for I will make you into a great nation there. I will go down to Egypt with you, and I will surely bring you back again.”

Note the progression of events here. Jacob sets out with all his goats in verse 1 and then eventually in verse 4 God says “I will go down with Egypt with you.” Not the other way around. If I were Jacob I would have thought “That’s great to hear God because I’ve kind of already left.”

Jacob had to move his entire family, everything he had ever known to set out for a strange land with only his faith in his relationship with God to back him up. No detailed plans, no vision, no promise of success.

Why doesn’t God always give us an instructional sheet for the journey ahead? I think it’s because He’s brilliant and knows that if I had a sheet, that sheet would eventually become my god. When times got tough, I wouldn’t cry out to the one true God in confusion, I would look at my sheet and trust in it for clarity. I’d make an idol out of His instruction and put my faith in the piece of paper instead of Him.

I don’t know if you have a big goat move ahead of you, but if you do, don’t think that God isn’t with you just because He hasn’t delivered clear directions. His silence might be the greatest sign that He wants you take the first step long before He’ll tell you the next one after that.

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